


What I Didn't Show

by TonightShadeRed



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 12:31:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11313462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonightShadeRed/pseuds/TonightShadeRed
Summary: Scanlan left Vox Machina for a reason. And that reason was all the pain he had, and it kept building up, until he was drowning.But Vox Machina never noticed. Why didn't they notice?Character study for Scanlan Shorthalt, and why he left Vox Machina in Episode 85.





	What I Didn't Show

**Author's Note:**

> I cried writing this. Oops.
> 
> So I guess I should say I have always related to Scanlan, and I felt he needed a proper tribute to all the shit that was probably rolling around inside him when he decided to leave. I feel like both Vox Machina and the fandom tend to skip over why Scanlan left and focus only on the fact that he did.
> 
> So, here we go.

To say he had lost everything would be frankly untrue, because he had never had much to lose in the first place. Vax had Keyleth and Vex, Vex had Percy, Pike had Grog.

 

He was, and always would be, the lone one out.

 

It had hurt to leave, but he thinks that it had hurt more to tell them,  _ finally _ , what had been on his mind for so long. What they had failed to notice behind all the jokes and laughs and smiles.

 

They had missed the fact that while he acted like he was fine, on the inside, he was drowning in waves of pain. Why hadn't they noticed? Why couldn't they  _ save him from himself? _

 

He asked himself that everyday. He asked himself that as he set up the mansion, as he walked beside them, humming a song, as he did everything he could in battle to make sure none of them would get hurt.

 

Vox Machina had been together so long, it was easy for them to read each other. They went through hell for each other, sometimes literally, and they came out closer as a family. Sometimes, after a particularly hard battle, Vax or someone else would ask if he was okay.

 

“Oh, I'm fine,” he would always say. “I can take worse.”

 

It was a lie, but what else was he supposed to say?  _ No, I'm not fine, and I never have been. I'm dying as my soul cracks and my heart breaks just a little bit more everyday, over and over and over. I'm not even sure what's left of me. _

 

Vex knew her brother well enough that when he brushed off the pain or trauma, she'd know anyway just how bad it was. So why couldn't any of them recognize it in him?

 

That's when he realized it was because none of them knew him, not really. He had never talked about his mother or his life before Vox Machina because none of them had ever asked. They knew a lot about everyone else in the group, all their tragic backstories, but his had been left in the dust compared to theirs.

 

The next thought he had was that they didn't know anything about him because they didn't care about him. He tried to push that thought away, telling himself that was bullshit. Of course they cared about him! They needed him in their group, just as they needed everyone else.

 

But the thought wouldn't go away. It stuck in the back of his mind and it kept  _ pushing _ to let itself be know. Scanlan was often a man of impulse, of instinct, and this instinct was telling him something that he just couldn't face.

 

But he began to notice the little things he didn't before. The way they would only really look at him when he was singing a stupid little ditty or making a dumb joke to lighten the mood. The way that, in battle, he would be stuck between two extremes: either he saved the day or he was completely useless.

 

It frightened him to realize that the latter was starting to become more prominent.

 

He knew he ought to tell someone what he was feeling, what was happening to him. Who would he tell, though? Vax, who was going through enough shit on his own, and Scanlan didn't want to pile more on him. Grog, who would definitely listen and try to help, but wasn't exactly certified to be a therapist. Pike was the obvious choice, but Scanlan was terrified of how she'd react. He knew she would be kind, understanding, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her.

 

To show Pike how weak he truly was.

 

Something deep down in him wanted them to find out on their own. For them to dig deep enough to reveal his secrets, so Scanlan wouldn't have to do it himself.

 

But they never did, and he never told them anything. They never dug deep, but they never tried to, either.

 

As Scanlan watched them each go through hell for each of the members of the group, Scanlan was reminded of how much they cared for each other.

 

But they never went through hell for him. No magic armor from the Nine Hells, no destruction of armies to make him feel good, nothing.

 

And Scanlan began to wonder how true that nagging thought in the back of his mind truly was. Because now that Scanlan thought about it, it seemed a whole lot more true than whatever bullshit he had been telling himself before.

 

That was when Scanlan felt a jolt of a thought he really didn’t want to consider. He thought about all of the time he had spent running after Pike, and he had to think that maybe he had chased her obsessively not because he was so  _ deeply _ in love with her, but because he was so desperate for someone to care about him.

 

Scanlan felt, for not the first time in his life, hopelessly lonely.

 

He met Kaylee a bit after that, and he felt a spark of hope rise in his chest. Here was someone who could have a real relationship with. Here was someone who could fix his mistakes with, become a better person for.

 

Here was someone he could be something more than a funny little gnome who played funny little songs.

 

* * *

 

The last straw, in the end, was not the nightgown or pudding or anything like that. It was, of course, Kaylee.

 

They had brought her here, showed her how broken and weak and  _ lying _ her father was. They had brought her here, and they were about to destroy the only hope he had left of a good relationship with someone.

 

They acted like they cared. Of course they did. Maybe they thought they actually did care, but they didn't realize how little they had.

 

He knew Kaylee cared. As he looked up and saw her face as she stood above his once-dead body, the last piece of his fragile heart finally broke.

 

And so did, apparently, his patience.

 

“Kaylee, could you excuse is for a second?” he asked, a strange calm washing over him as he decided what he was about to do.

 

What had to be done.

 

“Nobody likes needing someone!” Vex had snapped at him.

 

She was right. He hadn't liked needing Vox Machina, needing them desperately to pull him out of the pit he had fallen into. Or dug for himself, he wasn't really sure which.

 

But they hadn't done it, hadn't been the only people he needed to save him. So now he had to find someone else to do what Vox Machina hadn't.

 

Someone who was standing outside the door.

 

He couldn't really blame them, he supposed. He hadn't been able to save himself either, no matter how hard he'd tried. Maybe a change of scenery was long overdue.

 

“I changed my whole outlook on life because of you!” Vax had cried, a look of desperation in his eyes as he stared at Scanlan.

 

_ At least someone came out better, _ Scanlan thought. Vax had been through so much; he deserved happiness. Even if they didn't care about him, it didn't mean he didn't care about them.

 

So as he walked out of the castle, Kaylee by his side, he briefly wondered if his heart was like a broken leg. If it had been fractured, cracked, for so long, it had healed badly and unnaturally. He wondered that now that it had finally broken, if now it would be able to heal right, and finally fix what had been wrong with him for so long.

 

He glanced back at the castle once. Vax had Keyleth, Grog had Pike, Percy had Vex. Now, maybe, he had someone too.

**Author's Note:**

> I totally relate to Scanlan and all the shit he's gone through and this work definitely has nothing to do with anything that's going on in my own life or anything. Anyway, Thanks.


End file.
